Grinch

               I have recently been concerned about what I should post in my blog. Being a seminarian, one may expect that I would have something about Christmas. For good reason, I feel obliged to blog about Christmas.

               Yet, the more and more I think about it, the more I realize that I have very little to say about Christmas. It is a big deal of course. When you honestly sit down and think about God taking on human form, it can give you chills. But, when I think of Christmas, I tend to imagine the smell of fresh gingerbread, lights, and presents, and in some sense, that is Christmas.

               The celebration of Christ’s birth, for me at least, has been divorced from the idea of ‘Christmas’. I think that the distinction between these two ideas is prevalent in our culture as well. Think of a Christmas movie. Most movies have the main character getting mixed up about what’s important in life. In the end, they come to a realization of what the spirit of Christmas is all about: Christmas is about loving other people. It is about family, and friends, and good cheer.

               Christmas is not about family, friends, or good cheer. Christmas is about Christ. That is it. Everything else is ‘Christmasy’ only in so far as it stems from and points back to Christ.

               It takes a conscious effort in order to remember that all of this is because of our loving Father sending his Son to us. I don’t really have much to say about Christmas because this fact is so hard for me to stamp into my heart. At the end of Dr. Seuss’s book How the Grinch Stole Christmas, the Grinch realizes that Christmas “doesn’t come from a store… maybe Christmas means a little bit more”.  Notice that no mention of Christ is made. The Grinch doesn’t get baptized. Perhaps this is because the Who’s could not find any water that wasn’t frozen into their snowflake.

               The reader is left with the idea that Christmas means something else

                without the explanation of what exactly that might be.

               And through all the Who’s and hububaloo, I realize that reader is me.

Committed to the Process

                              When people find out that I’m a seminarian, they are naturally curious. “Why did I choose this kind of life?” “Do I not want to have a family?’ The most common question I am asked is “what if you wake up 10 years from now and not want to do this anymore?”

               This question amuses me. The vocation of the priesthood is little different from any other vocation in this respect. People wake up all the time in marriages that they don’t want to be in. People go to jobs that they would rather not do. In marriages, one can get a divorce. In a job, one can quit, but the priesthood is not something that you can just abandon.

               Catholics don’t believe that one can simply abandon a marriage or any other God-given vocation. A marriage is a solemn vow, to man and God. In wedding vows, one doesn’t promise that “I will be happy with you until death do us part”. On the contrary, one promises to be with another person no matter what happens. Even if that person is sterile, even if that person gets cancer and dies a painful, expensive, and slow death, even if that person is total trash, one promises to be with them.  A marriage is special because even though a person may wake up and not want to do it, they do because of their promise.  If love were easy, it wouldn’t mean much.

               The priesthood is the same.

               The seminary is the same.

               I think you could say a meaningful life is the same: you must be committed to the process.

               When I entered the seminary, I gave my word to the archbishop that I would remain in the seminary for at least a year. I am now going on year 3. I know that tomorrow, I am going to wake up tomorrow and there will be things I don’t want to do. But I will do them anyway because of a commitment I have to formation, and while I may not enjoy it at the time, I think that someday I will reflect and know that it was all worth it.

Tidbits on Judgment

               This Thursday, I completed my final examinations. It is both relieving and not relieving to be finished with the semester. Our finals were not comprehensive, and were no more difficult than regular tests. The only real difficulty comes from the fact that they are all scheduled within a few days of each other. -Of course, this isn’t too much of a problem if you don’t really study for tests, but that is neither here nor there.-

               Regardless of their relative ease, finals are incredibly stressful. The real vexation does not come from studying, but comes from being judged. Everyone fears judgment. We all have jobs to do. We all have bosses, parents, or teachers who evaluate us. We like to think that these people only evaluate our work and not evaluate us as people, but that is hard to believe.  It seems that we either have an unhealthy pride in our work or a fear of inadequacy. Middle ground is difficult to find.

               Seminarians are judged quite a bit. The seniors just finished their final evaluations. From this evaluation and other observations, the administration decides whether or not a student should be recommended to continue seminarian formation. It often feels like a chaplain with a clipboard looks over your shoulder at all times to make sure that you are doing everything right. Judgment is nerve-racking.

               God is a judge.  People fear God’s judgment, and why would we serve such a God?  It is difficult to realize that God only judges for the sake of the good of the person. A mother does not allow her children to do whatever they please. She restricts their actions because of her love for them. When children do something wrong, they are judged and punished. This does not mean that the mother loves her children any less.
               God is great. Christ provides us a way to live free of fear and focus on God’s love for us. 

Smashing Shingles

               I remember a game I used to play as a child. On the west side of our house there was a large stack of thin wooden shingles. I would pick up these shingles and break them in my hands. If this did not work, I would muster up some strength and break them over my knee. If they were so big that this would not work, I would prop them up against something solid and jump on them with all my might. It was a kind of test of strength for me. It had no purpose. It was mindless, but somehow fun.

               Much of the time, I feel like this is what the cosmos does to us. The great forces of the universe seem to pick us up, and smash our hearts. Some of us are stronger than others, but all of us will break. Sometimes the gods don’t think it is enough, and they break us again… and again.

               Recent events make me wonder if such hearbreak ever stops. We are always on the lookout for our fair maiden, or our knight in shining armor, but maybe we are just fooling ourselves. I have broken hearts before. I have had mine broken. We are a world full of users and cheaters. I wonder if I could ever make a good priest. I wonder if I could ever make a good husband and father. Most of the time, I seriously doubt it. I see too much of that shingle-smashing child in me.

               Hurt people hurt people. I try to find that grace where it stops. I try to be that change that I hope to see in the world. I know that I will never be that knight in shining armor. I relinquish the idea that it is my responsibility to glue hearts back together –my own included-. The world is a shattered pile of woodscraps.

               But Jesus is a carpenter, and he specializes in making beautiful things out of scraps.

The Trinity and BECs

               The trinity is a wonderful and terrible thing to attempt to understand. Simply put, it is an illogical  doctrine that –pretty much- all Christians believe. It is a troubling thing to think about: How can something be both one and three?

               People come up with all kinds of ways to describe the trinity. The trinity is like water in its three phases, or like the ocean, 3 in 1 shampoo, or even like a chicken egg. Personally, I don’t like reducing my concept of God down to an egg, even if doing so would clarify whether the chicken or the egg came first.

                When it comes to my God, I don’t like to make many comparisons, but if I had to, I would say that God is like a Bose-Einstein Condensate. Firstly, I think this applicable because I hardly know what that even means. 

^I'm not sure what this means, but I think it is applicable^

               Here is my understanding. If any of you know more about the physics, or the trinity, feel free to correct me. Basically, when you supercool a gas- and by supercool, I mean really really really cold-, some very strange things happen. Quantum mechanics become visible on a large scale. By a large scale, we are talking like 1000 atoms, but still. Most of us have heard that light is both a particle and a wave. What happens in a Bose-Einstein Condensate is similar. The mass takes on wavelike properties. No particles exist on their own, but only exist together, and with completely different properties. In effect, the many become one, and the one is the many.

               Matter is seen acting in new ways, but it is apparantly natural for it to do so. We once thought that reality could be cut up into particles, but now things are more complex. Matter can be thought of as energy, and wave. If modern physics can ever reach the point of fully explain how and why this is, Christians will take that explanation and stamp it onto the conception of God. We can’t even talk about physical realities with certainty. What makes one think that we can think about God with calculating even greater certainty?

               Personally, I like living in kind of wonderful, fantastic, and nigh incomprehensible world. It kinda makes things fun.

Why You Should Hold Open Doors

               I must reveal to the reader that I am a very utilitarian minded individual. I cannot claim to be very selfless, but I do attempt to mind others. I am the kind of person who times how long it takes a crowd to exit a room and realizes that the process goes faster if someone holds the door open. I often hold open doors for just such reasons. After all, if there are 100 people in the room, and my holding the door allows everyone to get where they were going an average of 5 seconds faster, I have saved 8.3 minutes of time. 8.3 minutes of time may not seem like much, but if that room was full of medical researchers, I may have advanced the cure of cancer by 8 minutes and by doing so, saved countless lives!

               As it stands now, I do not hold open doors for medical researchers, but instead hold them open for seminarians and monks. Realize that these are seminarians and monks who pray for your eternal soul. I don’t make any claims about the state of your soul, but I figure you need all the help you can get. By my logic, if I hold open the door, I figure that is 8.3 minutes less prayer I have to do! I try not to think about the fact that I can be replaced by a $2 door wedge. 

               I think this service needs to be reciprocated. So, the next time you can, hold a door open for the people behind you, and as you do, say a little prayer for me.

The Difficulty of Philosophy

               Studying philosophy is hard. Philosophy is not difficult because I do not understand what people are saying, or that it is a challenge to stay conscious while reading it, or that much of it is anti-religion. Philosophy is difficult because it challenges you personally Everyone has a philosophy. Whether this philosophy is explicitly known is irrelevant. People have beliefs. People justify those beliefs with rational thought.

               Every philosopher worth studying says something that cannot be ignored. Philosophers are revolutionary because they challenge ordinary belief. In studying these philosophers, one’s own beliefs are challenged. Studying philosophy is difficult because it challenges your worldview. Some people here can simply ignore the objections that philosophers raise. Personally, I cannot simply ignore the logical contradictions in my beliefs. I do not hold myself to a high standard when justifying these beliefs, but these things do bother me.

               Every philosophy teacher worth their salt will destroy your philosophy and make you rebuild it. Not having a system of beliefs is a terrible thing to have to cope with. There is a notorious professor here that has been accused of destroying multiple people’s faith by teaching philosophy. Yeah, it’s that big of a deal.

               Recently, I was driving home, and had a 3 hour conversation about the definition of holiness with one of my seminarian brothers. Every definition we came up with failed to work in some way or other. This may not seem like much of a problem, but when your objective in life is to become holy, there is a need to define the word. I was surprised at how easily my friend was willing to settle on a definition that didn’t fully work. In a way, I was envious because this problem distressed me quite a bit.

               It makes me glad that I won’t be studying philosophy much longer, but I wonder if these problems ever really go away.

Snooze Button Blues

               I like to sleep. I like to sleep almost as much as I like to eat. There is an inverse relationship between the enjoyment derived from sleep and the amount of effort it takes to get out of bed.

               Every night I think that I will get up at the first ring of my alarm clock, and every morning I find this to be false. Immediately afterwards, I promise myself that tonight I will go to bed earlier, only to later learn that this also is false.

               I have never been one to hit the snooze on the alarm over and over. I would rather set the alarm to go off 15 minutes later and so get 15 minutes of uninterrupted sleep. I may know that my 15 minutes of uninterrupted sleep was more restful than the interrupted patches of 5 minute limbo dreaming, but hitting the snooze makes me feel like I’m getting away with something.

               Maybe there are psychological effects of hitting the snooze button. Maybe it makes me feel like I can put off my responsibilities a little bit longer. It makes me feel more self-confident to the level that I believe that I can actually deal with the day. Subconsciously I have proven that I am successful at shirking my duties. Now all that is left is to prove that I can also fulfill them, and that is why I get out of bed in the morning.

               I end up getting up –except in the cases I don’t (which happens more often than I would like to admit),- and immediately regret the decision.

               I am always tired during class. Then midnight rolls around and I am wide awake. It makes me wonder what would happen if they had class at midnight. The real problem of course is that I don’t go to bed early enough. This is because it takes me all day to realize that I should stop procrastinating and actually do something. Unfortunately, by the time I realize this, it is time to retire for the evening.

Snowflakes

               “You are not unique and beautiful snowflakes”. This statement from the movie Fight Club is to a great extant true. Everyone is unique. Everyone is beautiful. Everyone is special. But when everyone is special, is anyone special?

               One of the monks here was pulled aside by a tourist and asked “In all reality brother, what difference do you make?” The monk did not give an answer. Instead he replied with the same question: “What difference do YOU make?” Although this at first struck me as a very rude dialogue, I think it is also quite profound.

               Growing up, I expected to change the world. I neither expected nor desired power, fame, or influence per se, but I did expect to make a great difference. I then began to realize that one can work as a homemaker, an accountant, or an ordained religious for 30 years and have very little to show for it. True, you may have raised law abiding citizens, earned your firm some money, or ministered to those in need, but at any time along the way, you could have been replaced by some other snowflake. You could die tomorrow and business would continue as usual.

               The importance of our lives does not come from what we do, but how we do it. Mother Teresa of Calcutta reminds us that “we can do no great things; only small things with great love”. Our uniqueness and beauty comes from the ordinary, mundane, everyday actions that are done out of love. The occupations of homemaker, accountant, or monk, are merely the backdrop of our lives.  The real beauty in our lives is derived from the loving relationships we that no one will remember in 100 years.

                So today, take a little extra time and effort and spend a few moments for the sake of someone else. 

Views on the English Translation of the Roman Missal

               Catholicism is a little bit like a secret club. Catholics have rites of initiation, regular meetings, and it seems that people who aren’t Catholic don’t know exactly what Catholic doctrine is. After all, the majority of Catholics don’t know what their church teaches… but that is neither here nor there.

               The kicker concerning Catholics is that their worship is so different. The standing up, the sitting down, the kneeling, the standing back up… It is like Simon Says without a winner. As if this wasn’t enough to confuse the ordinary visitor, the flood of call and responses can be quite overwhelming:

The Lord be with you. –And with your spirit

Lift up your hearts. –We lift them up to the Lord

Let us give thanks to the Lord our God. –It is right and just  

The Lord be with you. –And with your spirit

Go in peace. –Thanks be to God

               This is only a small sample, but the list could go on and on. Somehow Catholics just simply know what they are supposed to say. Yet, all that is changing.

               With the start of advent, the new English Translation of the Roman Missal is now in use. And now, for a few weeks at least, everybody will be equally confused. I see this as an opportune time to join the church. Of course I think that all the time is an opportune time to join the church.

               It is mildly amusing to be in a seminary at this historic time. For many of us, it is a matter of pride to get all the responses correct. “And with your Spirit” tends to be a little bit louder in order that all the bumpkins who are saying “And also with you” are drowned out. For quite a while, there will be a lot of “and also with your spirit” going around.  It is difficult to teach an old dog new tricks. Especially a dog as old as the Church.

               I think it is going to end up being a little bit like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luU9j6mPKe4

Thanksgiving Break

               Thanksgiving is a much needed and well appreciated break from the academic year. This does not mean that it is a break in any other sense of the word. Thanksgivings are always big affairs at my house. This year was a small Thanksgiving with only a dozen people showing up. A couple years ago I counted over fifty people in one room.

               The frantic rush of preparing meals spills over into the rest of the break. It may be due to the 20 plus hours of traveling time, but I never feel as though the break is long enough. I never seem able to finish the things I need to do or see the people I want to see. This year I made a list of things I wanted to do on my break. I did half the things on that list.

               Things I need to get done are not necessarily on this list. I need to study for an exam, write dozens of letters, and get a new tire put on my car. There is a hierarchy in the things I do. There are things I want to do. Above that there are things I should do. Above that there are things that I must do. Someday, I will be a responsible adult and start at the top of that list instead of at the bottom. Today is not that day. Today, I update my blog.

Flat Tires

            While I was driving home this Tuesday, I had my first flat tire. I was on the west side of Wichita Kansas and still had almost 250 more miles to drive. I was not so much as worried as I was aggravated. I had already been on the road for 6 hours, and simply not in the mood. It seems that my patience had blown along with my tire.

 After pulling over, and moving all my things out of my trunk, I was finally able to reach my spare tire. I spent another 10 anxious minutes trying to find my tire iron, but I had never done so from my car, so I was unsure if I even had one in the car. I vaguely remember checking the trunk when I bought the car, but couldn’t recall ever finding one. After what seemed like an eternity, I did find my tire iron.

A kind Lieutenant from the Sheriff’s department stopped while on his way home from work. After a few minutes, we had the tires changed out only to find out that my spare donut did not have any air. Whether this was due to a leak or simply because of age was yet to be seen. I spent half an hour waiting for the county’s downed motorist rig. It ended up that my tire did hold, and I was soon on my way.

I felt quite ridiculous praying about such a trivial matter, but I think that God really appreciates these prayers. I imagined an angel with its lips on the Schrader valve blowing air into my tires at the same rate that it was leaking out. I ended up trying to do the math of how fast such an angel would have to barrel roll in order to keep up with the revolutions of my tires. Such is my mind.

            Although the ordeal was stressful, I ended up being a little bit more thankful this Thanksgiving than I would have been.

Happiness As a Priority

               Priorities are incredibly difficult to define. The difficulty is not in defining what I should think my priorities are, but the hard part is taking stock of what I actually value the most. I can say my highest priority is serving God, but when examining my actions, it is quite apparent that this is not the case.

               I would say that my own happiness is my number one priority, but this leads into a logical mess. From my own experience, I realize that I am unable to make myself happy through following my own desires. Happiness is an emotion. Emotions do not necessarily follow reason, but this is not to say that they are always unreasonable either.

               It is easy to understand that sometimes we feel happy and have no tangible reason why. Sometimes we feel happy when everything around us is crashing down. I do not intend to imply that feelings have no cause and that human experiences of joy are subject to the wrathful randomness of the cosmos, but only that the causes for emotion are not always clear.

               The conclusion from this is that one’s desires are not directly connected to one’s happiness. Happiness is not about getting what you want. We think that something will make us happy, but that is not the case. This desire is at its heart lust and greed. We believe a lie that God is holding out on us. If we only had a better job, a bigger home, better friends, if we were only more productive, or a better person we could be happy.

               God does not have our emotions as his top priority. This isn’t to say that our emotions aren’t a priority. This is reassuring. After all, a parent should not be wholly concerned with the happiness of their child, but should care about their entire well-being. God’s priority number one is our well-being. Our service to God is working towards our own well-being as well as the well-being of those around us.

Top Ten Video Games

               I figure that half of my readers are looking for some spiritual insight. The other half is simply wasting time online. If you belong to the former group, take a hint from the title and skip this. If you are wasting time, I would highly recommend the following.

               Looking at my blog, I am surprised at how incredibly religion oriented it is. To take a break from this spiritual monotony, I will do what I normally do: turn to video games. Hey, the fact that I can’t get married does not make me any less of a boy. So for no particular reason and in no particular order: a list of my top ten PC video games.

               10. Assassin’s Creed- A brilliant blend of role-playing, stealth, and combat, Assassin’s Creed provides an epic open world environment that even sandbox games have a hard time replicating.

               9. Star Craft- An incredibly well balanced classic that is the measuring stick for every RTS that comes out. Three unique and playable classes keeps things fresh.

               8. Bioshock- Amazing plot, good characters, innovative combat system. What isn’t to love about the grand city of Rapture?

               7.Modern Warfare- The point where Call of Duty made its resurgence. Although the new games are just as good, they are mere carbon copies of the original.

               6.Rainbow 6 Vegas II-Rainbow 6 has long been king for tactical shooters. Hunting terrorists can be hard as nails and is guaranteed to keep you busy for hours.

               5. Portal 2- A wonderfully new concept, gut-busting humor, and a surprisingly nice plot for only having one human character. Notice that this is the only game on my list that doesn't require killing things. Its that good.

               4. Team Fortress 2- A hysterical and incredibly in-depth shooter with 9 playable classes. The best part? IT IS FREE.

               3. Jedi Knight II Jedi Outcast- It is simply the best Star Wars game I have ever played. I mean who doesn’t enjoy dicing up a platoon of stormtroopers?

               2. Battlefield Bad Company 2- The single player is mediocre, but the squad-based multiplayer is the best I have ever seen.

               1. Half Life 3- Simply the best FPS in the world. 

Being Nice>Being Right

               Religion is incredibly important to some people, and for good reason. This importance often manifests itself in defining doctrine. After all, it is difficult to be passionate about a thing that is vague or ambiguous. Unfortunately, doctrinal distinctions can be quite detrimental to unity. This is, of course, only natural, and I do not intend to imply that such distinctions should not be made.

               My point is that many of these distinctions end up being a way to ostracize others. I belong to the right and true religion which worship within the vein of orthodoxy. This is a comforting thought but only to the exclusion of everyone else. Would I be so proud of my religion if no differing party existed? After all, this is how it will be in heaven.  Too often one develops a sense of superiority over others. It should be clear that this air of superiority is in no way Christian.

               We must realize that nearly every movement in the church has some sense of legitimacy. Even if the movement is utterly absurd, there is a legitimate motivating factor behind it. It is a pastoral work to address these motivating factors. For example, there is a great tension in American Catholicism between using traditional music and contemporary music in the mass. There is tension between Catholics and Protestants over the role of works in salvation. One could generate hundreds of examples.

               Often I find that people will argue a point when they are in fact saying the exact same thing. Each side is simply emphasizing a different aspect. For example, Protestants fear that Catholics do not understand the wonder of grace. Catholics likewise fear that Protestants will simply fail to uphold moral standards.

               I don’t mean to say that doctrinal differences don’t exist, but to put it simply…

Being nice>Being right.

But sometimes you need to pull a Mattathias

 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Maccabees%202:22-26&version=GNT

                

                

Hate God

               I am a strong advocate for hating God. What I mean by saying this is very specific, but I hope that you find it understandable. I think that nearly everyone in the world has a reason to hate God.

               Who has not been touched by the sufferings of this life? Family members die excruciatingly painful deaths as cancer eats away at their bodies. Children are buried by their parents after being forced to fight in an unjust war. Spouses leave each other. The list can go on and on. How can an omnipotent and benevolent God allow all this to happen? God is responsible. God made this happen, or at the very least, he could have prevented it.

               The problem of evil is one that deters many from believing and brings doubt to the hearts of believers, and I don’t think it can easily be dismissed or ignored. I don’t intend to attempt an answer here. To my standards, I can satisfactorily make sense of this contradiction in my own mind, but rational answers don’t help.  Having answers doesn’t make the dead come back to life. Answers don’t make the pain any more bearable.

               Faithful believers often feel like it is a travesty to harbor a hatred for the divine. Through my own experience I can say that God is plenty big enough to deal with your infinitesimal wrath.  No matter how large the stones, or how great the velocity, you cannot throw a stone large enough, or with enough force to deal any damage to the gates of heaven.

               I wonder how often, if ever, the unbelievers of the world tell God how upset with them they are. I think that God would rather have someone speak words of hate to him than to continue their detestation in silence. The fact is that people are pained. I think we do our humanity a disservice by not admitting our pain.

               And maybe… just maybe, if you are lucky, do I dare say that God will make some of that pain go away?

Megachurches

Its not as big as it looks...its much bigger.

In Milan, I saw the 4^th largest church in the world.  What made the greatest impression on me was not the art, nor the relics, but how empty the building was.  Even with crowds of tourists, it was incredibly empty.  Of course much of this was due to the immense size of the building, but it brought a point home to me.

The Catholics had the original mega-church.  It was not built to just impress people.  It was built, first and foremost, to be used.  I could not help but imagine how brilliant it would have been to be worshipping in that church surrounded by thousands of people.  What if thousands came to daily mass?  What if our buildings of worship were always full?

I did some research later and found out that about 9 masses are said there daily.  Somehow the church felt more like a museum. It felt hollow.  To me, all this emphasized that WE are the church.  We Christians animate these wonderful works of art much like Christ animates us.  Such a wonderful piece of art needs a great deal of life to be full, and we should accept this as a personal challenge.  We must provide life equal to the splendor of the world’s greatest churches.    

A little bit on my rational.

               I wonder about trivial little things like: Why is this furniture arranged in this way? Why is the handicap door closer to the stairs than to the elevator? And why does the kitchen staff put the gravy before the biscuits 39.8% of the time? I think to myself that people have rational for acting in the ways they do, but I am ignorant to what it is.

               My ignorance of underlying rationality often leads to irritation because I begin to wonder if there is any reason behind anything at all. If any of my readers are like I am, this post is for you. I would like to give some reasoning behind what I do insofar as this blog is concerned.

               Firstly, I attempt to keep my posts short. The average person reads about 250 words per minute which would hypothetically allow a person to read a post of 300 words in 72 seconds. I find when I am surfing the wondrous wave that we call the World Wide Web, I do not stop to read an article if it will take a lot of time and effort to comprehend. I shorten my posts to the detriment of development because I do not find it necessary to expound upon a basic idea. All I try to do is present the basic idea as clearly as possible.

               Secondly, I do not laboriously proofread my articles. As a lazy college student, I do not laboriously proofread anything. Be assured that I do proofread, but I always post articles that I am less than 100% pleased with. I do this for one simple reason: if I waited until I was fully satisfied with an article to post it, I would never post anything. What can I say, but that I have high standards?!

               Thirdly, there are not a lot pictures on my blog for one simple reason: I don’t take very many pictures.  The format is also lacking due to the fact that I am too ignorant to figure out how to change it. Someday, I will find someone knowledgeable about such things, or better yet, learn myself, but until that day comes, you will simply have to put up with lackluster graphics.

               Lastly, despite the urgings of my high school English teacher, I do not often provide adequate conclusions. This is partially due to the constraints of space and time. More importantly, avoiding conclusions creates a psychotic effect in the reader which suspends the aura of finality, and so requires the reader to return to the blog in attempts to find resolution.

               Ok, I made that last one up… but it almost sounded good enough to end on.              

Everything I say is right

               I am right.

               It is difficult to find anyone on earth that does not hold this belief. Being a Catholic, I believe that my beliefs are right.  As a philosophy student, and as a skeptic, I am unsure whether any of my beliefs are true.

               I can give reasons for my faith, but these reasons do not make my beliefs true. I understand the world, and my faith in unique terms. I cannot honestly say that I hold all the beliefs of the Catholic Church. This seems like a really bad thing for a seminarian to say, but when you think of all the nutjobs out there who honestly think that Christians should kill all the unbelievers, or believe that God will consign a little girl’s soul to eternal torment just because she had never heard of Christ, it is not hard to conclude that perhaps I don’t have it all straightened out either.

               Catholicism is so incredibly big. It is so old, and there are so many dogmas and defined beliefs that it is near impossible for an ordinary working man or woman to know them all. One is almost bound to slip up in his or her understanding somewhere along the way.  I think a great sin lies in believing that ‘I am right about everything’. Even if one had an institution –such as the Church- that would communicate the entirety of truth, one would make mistakes.

               I try to talk about what I know. If I have not already, I will most likely end up proclaiming a heresy. That is not such a big deal. It is not a big deal to not accept the truth. Often I find that the truth is incredibly hard to swallow. The real sin is not being open to being wrong.  Heresy can be recanted, but recanting can only be done if one is open to being wrong.

               If we are ever to come to the truth in our beliefs, we must first admit that not all our beliefs are right. So let us swallow our pride and be a little bit more open to being wrong.

Brevity is the Soul of Wit

               There is a priest that occasionally celebrates mass here. He has a maxim concerning preaching: Be brilliant and brief, and if not brilliant, then be brief. This seems to be a dictum of American Catholic preaching. And although, the attempt to be concise is a pastoral effort, I think that it often does a great disservice to the people of God.

               There is a guideline here at the abbey that during the week, a homily should not exceed three minutes in duration. Do not get me wrong, I appreciate these time constraints as much as anyone, but I find it interesting that a Catholic priest runs the risk of being flayed alive if the mass runs over an hour. I think this is a rather interesting phenomena of our culture.

               I do not mean to imply that short homilies should not be given; on the contrary, I have experienced a number of one minute reflections that have struck me like bolts of lightning. I only think that time expectations are petty and trivial. For example, when a guest bishop or archbishop speaks, one can expect at least fifteen minutes of oration. But this extra time does not mean that the bishop has anything more to say.

               Chief amongst my complaints is that priests often try to sound intelligent. There seems to exist an unspoken requirement to use high-sounding theological and liturgical wording. What the people need is not a exegesis concerning the transcendence of the eschatological man. We need someone to simply talk to us. The best sermons I have experienced here are when the priest puts away his notes, steps away from the ambo, and talks to the congregation as a friend.

               If I imagine myself as a priest, I do not think that my messages would be delivered more professionally, have better content, , or in any way be more effective than the very sermons that I critique. Much like this blog, I doubt that I will ever be ‘consistently brilliant’. Like my future homilies, I hope and pray that my condensed blogs do not do a disservice to my audience. I hope that I do not leave you hanging by not fully developing my thesis.

…or by providing an adequate conclusion…

                

Monks are people too

After a brief introduction to his lecture, my monastic professor said

               “So, tonight is…”

               The class was clearly baffled as to what the answer was. We were thinking… what religious holiday was November 3^rd? or was he referring  II Vespers for a saint or feast for tomorrow? Or perhaps there is some monastic significance on the date? A few students tentatively responded “The junior class meeting?”

               The junior class meeting is tonight, and I count myself blessed that I am not classified as a junior anymore, but this was obviously not the answer. No, Brother Anselm responded “It is the season premier of Burn Notice”. Although no one could have guessed, no one was really surprised, and I think this says a lot.

               Now I am sure that somewhere on a high mountaintop there are plenty of monks that live much more austere lives than the ones here at Conception, and the very thought of those monks loyally following a television series is a travesty. These monks are not those monks. It is not unusual for the TV lounge to be taken up by the chaplain rooting for his football team.

               I think people need to realize that religious people are ordinary people like you and me. Ok, well I admit that I’m not normal, but then again, neither are you! Being a monk doesn’t mean you can’t be a Kanas City Royals fan, but in my opinion, you are pretty crazy if you are either of them. My point is that spiritual matters are not for ‘some man on a mountain’, but are for each of us… but more on that later. Right now I have an episode of How I met Your Mother that I need to catch up on.

                

Windmills

http://3d.xkcd.com/556/

               For those of you who do not know, wind powered generators dot the horizon around Conception. For the most part they go unnoticed save for the calm nights where a faint whoosh...whoosh…whoosh… can be heard. Now, in all technicality, these enormities are not windmills since they do not mill anything. Yet I refer to them as windmills. I apologize if this insults your sensibilities. Deal with it.

               Two things baffle me about these behemoth structures. First, how do they get those little red lights on top to blink on and off at the same time? Secondly, how is it that one windmill turns quickly, while the adjacent windmill barely manages to move at all?

               This calls a certain verse to mind: “The wind blows where it wishes and you hear the sound of it, but do not know where it comes from and where it is going; ….”  John 3:8a. How is that for taking a verse out of context? No matter how much you stretch the meaning of multivalence, I doubt that one could say that Christ was referring in any way to wind turbines.

For me, windmills serve as a reminder that comparisons are unfair.

               I am no engineer. I do not understand what it takes for a windmill to move. Perhaps a particular slow windmill is actually generating more electricity than the windmill adjacent to it. It is doing its job better, yet being judged as inferior in comparison to its neighbor. Perhaps a stationary windmill is undergoing repairs   or upgrades.

               If something as simple as a wind turbine cannot be understood by a simpleton such as myself, how can the complexities of a human person be understood? I tend to make excuses for other people –this is probably carryover from the plethora of excuses I make for myself-. I don’t really have a point to make in all this, it is just something that I think about.

But if I did have to make a point, I would say that  I AM GOING TO CALL THEM WINDMILLS. Don’t judge me!

Goals

http://www.dilbert.com/strips/comic/2011-11-16/

          Every year Conception College has the seminarians formulate spiritual, academic, apostolic, stewardship, and character goals. This year I had a little trouble with mine so I decided to brainstorm. Here is the result:

I am thankful for...

               Instead of doing all the things that I should have done today, I decided that I would create a list of 100 things that I am thankful for. This sounds quite easy, but it must be differentiated from a list of things I should be thankful for. And although many things will be the same, I am not going to copy and paste from old lists of mine. Also I would like to specify that this is not a ‘top 100 list’, but a ‘first thing that comes to mind in no particular order list’.

1.  Last night   2.The change in seasons  3. Days with no wind  4.Old girlfriends  5.My computer  6.My family  7.Horizontal sunlight  8.The smell of suntan lotion  9. Financial support of the Archdiocese  10. Bleach  11.The smell of lemons  12.Good food  13. Not having to worry about food  14. My car  15. My guitar  16.Music  17. Air conditioning  18.Not having to pay utilities  19.My cell phone  20.The internet   21.Alcohol     22.Trees  23.Crunchy leaves  24.Swimming  25.Friends  26.Indoor plumbing  27.Artificial light  28.Video games  29.Having a body that works  30.Soap  31.Snow  32. Fresh baked bread  33. Elevators  34. Post it notes  35.Flash drives  36. Freedom of speech  37. Jesus  38. The smell of crayons  39. Electricity  40.Glass  41. Rain  42. Ice  43.Soda  44.Sacrament of Penance  45.My woodworking tools  46.Duct tape  47.Sharp knives  48.Blue jeans  49.Well-polished shoes  50.Good parents  51.My family’s health  52.My I-pod  53.Warm clothes  54.The ocean  55.The Bible  56.Cookbooks  57.Not being a girl  58.Paintball  59.   Laughter  60.My sound system  61.Emotion  62.Freedom of will  63.My Kindle  64.My camera  65.Hunger  66.Thirst  67.The changing color of leaves  68.Flat land  69.Mountains  70.Redheads  71.Wonder of the universe  72.Being able to own firearms  73.Clouds  74.Sidewalks  75.Extension cords  76.Letters  77.   Facebook  78.Good spiritual reading  79.Being able to read  80.Being able to write  81.Fiction  82.Smiling  83.Good roads  84.Not having to farm  85.Not having to ranch  86.Sensible philosophy  87.Being Loved  88.Good artwork  89.Desire  90.Green grass  91.Wheat fields  92. Having good work  93. Feeling accomplished  94. Privacy  95. Being able to cook  96.Breath mints  97. Chocolate  98. Good boots  99. Getting to go to Europe 100. Every person who reads this

Bad Content and Discontent

               At the risk of causing scandal, I would say that I am not a happy person. I am an analytic and hyper-critical person, and this  tends to quash out any semblance of enjoyment in my life. I am dissatisfied with my own shortcomings more than I am with the shortcomings of other people. Here I seriously considered quoting Vanilla Ice in saying that “Anything less than the very best is a felony”, but for your sake and the sake of my public image, I will not do such a thing.

               My blog is a prime example of my discontent. I am dissatisfied with every single post thus far. At this point I have written a good half dozen more articles that I have not posted. I often get something typed up, proofread, and ready to post, but don’t actually do it for one reason or another. Most of the time, the post is nothing brilliant, and brilliance is what I strive after.

               Yet I think that failure to accept mediocrity is exactly why so many people, myself included, are unhappy. Please forgive me for the religious side-note, but I must say

               … I do not think it sinful to hope for great things in life. The God has filled the world with wonderful things. After all, he is God! I think the sin exists in not enjoying what we have when we have so much.  Also one should not feel entitled to the goodness in life, but realize that everything is a grace…

               I find myself incredibly irritated at the fact that I do not enjoy an event or joke as much as the next person, and I often wonder why. For example, I can write a list of 100 things that I should be thankful for, but feel very little appreciation for those things

               To end I would like to say that I am not unhappy with my life because it is terrible, but because I so very much desire beauty, wonder, joy, and laughter, and I feel this lacking. At its heart, I think that desire is a great thing. 

A Few Concerns

          I am new to blogging, and as such, there are a couple of things that are troubling me. First, I do not have a target audience. My objective is to dispel some of the misconceptions that people have of seminarians. Since pretty much everybody has some idea of what a Catholic seminarian is, pretty much everybody is included in my audience.
          One rule for effective speaking -I presume it applies to blogs as well- is that the subject matter must be narrow in scope. Bloggers typically examine life through the lens of some hobby such as cooking. I don’t really have any hobbies here. I am too busy studying philosophy. Looking at the world through religion or philosophy, would expand the subject instead of limiting it. I would hate for the subject to be me. For one, I am not that interesting. Secondly, I hold the opinion that blogging about yourself is quite narcissistic. I would try to blog about my relationship with Christ within the framework of the seminary, but by talking about God, I run the risk of sounding like a religious nut. And if there is one thing I hate worse than a walnut, it is a religious nut. This is ironic because a religious nut is exactly what I am. Yet I am so much more than that.
          All these concerns get me no closer to an acceptable answer. Philosophy often leads you into such traps that any action you perform goes against logic. When this happens, one must go ahead and act regardless of reason. Likewise, I will go ahead and write. Perhaps later I will find a focus and direction. For now, I would advise the reader to simply skip a blog post that does not apply to them. As much as I would like to, I cannot write to everyone.

Shiny Shoes and Sidewalk Chalk

            This weekend was an off-campus weekend here at Conception Seminary College. The administration strongly encourages the students to get away and take a break. As it happens, this weekend was both my niece’s and my mother’s birthday. As a result, I found myself traveling the 450 miles down to Edmond Oklahoma.

            It was good to be around my family again, and it was especially enjoyable to see my two nieces. Getting to play with them reminded me of how much of a child I still am. While everyone else busied themselves with football and photographs, I found myself very engrossed in sidewalk chalking with my older niece. I accidently covered my pants in rainbow colored chalk, and I found that this splash of pigment contrasted nicely with my polished dress shoes.

            In a way, this contrasts sums up how I feel about my life. If the priesthood is my vocation, I am undertaking an enormous responsibility. In my head, the priesthood seems like a life of polished shoes, where everything is lined away, everything is figured out, mannered, and respectable. Yet, more and more I realize that I am just a child. I have nothing figured out. I’m irresponsible, carefree, and immature.

            I find that a lot of my qualities would impair a successful priesthood. I’m sure that I will grow out of my immaturity, but I know that I have a long ways to go. A great deal of life is being ok with who you are. Loving what is perfect is easy. Loving yourself, your spouse, or your kids is what is difficult. Yet for as messed up as everything is, things really are nice.  Right now, the shoes that I’m wearing are scuffed and covered in chalk, and yet somehow, that is just fine.

Introductions

               I have never viewed myself as the blogging type. Paradoxically, I still do not view myself as the blogging type. I have a dozen or so friends with blogs, but I do not follow any of them. The more and more I examine why I decided to start blogging, the less and less I am sure of it. Simply put, I have no idea what I am doing here.

               I have never viewed myself as the seminarian type. Although I am a Catholic seminarian for the Archdiocese of Oklahoma City, I still have trouble seeing myself as such. I have a bunch of friends who are priests and seminarians, but I do not follow them, and the more and more I examine why I started doing this, the less and less I am sure of anything at all.

               It greatly bothers me how very few people personally know priests, religious, and seminarians. I fear that people have an unrealistic idea of what seminarians are like. The purpose of this blog is to give the reader a view into the life and mind of a seminarian. I hope that you find my life as enjoyable as I do.