A Healthy Dose of Insanity

               I have now had the displeasure of watching my last two remaining grandparents slowly slide into insanity. I don’t know the technical differences between Alzheimer’s and dementia. All I know is that their minds do not work like they once did. At first this was a very difficult thing to cope with. It became a great fear of mine that I would also someday find myself in a similar state. Eventually, however, I came to glean great graces from the situation.

               At its heart, insanity seems like a terrible thing. The person that you once loved somehow ceases to be. The mind undergoes a death, and the body remains to slowly decay as well. In order to cope, one must have a sense of humor. From the outside, some people would see such humor as a cruelty, but on the inside it is a necessity.

               The other day my grandfather was irritated that he couldn’t call his son. The tragic thing was that the son he wanted to call was sitting across the table and he couldn’t recognize him. I offered to let Grandpa use my cell phone to call the house, before my father knew who was calling, he picked up the phone and said hello. My grandfather shouted “ELLO?! IS DIS MIKE?!”. They proceeded to have a brief conversation from across the dining table while clutching their respective telephones. We couldn’t help but laugh at the entire situation, but the conversation succeeded in calming Grandpa for the afternoon.

               I think that a person’s true character is revealed through such a state. You can tell what a person worried about: the return of their spouse from the fields, losing of their wallet, losing livestock, and the list goes on and on. My grandmother would often wake us up at 2am with shouts of “HAIL MARY!” It takes a very special kind of person to always default back to prayer in their times of confusion. That is the kind of person my grandma was, and I don't know if I would have ever had the grace of knowing it if it had not been for her illness.

               Upon getting aggravated over not being able to find his eyeglasses, I proceeded to take my Grandfathers glasses from off of his face, show them to him, and then put them back on him. Immediately the worry was relieved. More often than not, however, we are powerless to relieve any anxiety. I feel the worst when my grandfather is visibly distressed and inconsolable.

               But its about that time that Grandpa put his socks on his hands… and I can’t help but laugh.

Jesus>Religion

               Many of my readers will be familiar with a YouTube video that has recently gone viral. I am referring here to the Jesus>Religion video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

               The video was not shocking to me in the least bit. Perhaps it is because of my protestant influence, but I understood what the man was talking about. The real shock to me came from experiencing all the criticisms that the video provoked.

               I think a great deal of the criticisms stem from a desire for a logical argument. The appalling lack of rationality enrages the philosophy student in me. A great deal of the critics misunderstand the original intention and purpose of the video. As a result, these authors set themselves up as enemies of the video which I see as a great mistake.

               The difference between what the critics want and what the author provided was the difference between logos and pathos. To put it simply, the author’s definition of religion is different than the critic’s. The author takes everything bad about the church and lumps it into a category which he then labels as ‘Religion’. The purpose of the video is not to logically prove all these bad things, but to empathize with the audience that such bad things exist and need to be remedied. This is very bad logically, but very effective emotionally.

               The problem of the video is that specific words have specific meanings. Religion has a specific meaning and one can’t simply redefine it. Yet redefining this word makes it semi-scandalous, and is what has made the video viral. From an author’s standpoint, it really is a brilliant stratagem.

               If you don’t hate something about Christianity I don’t think you are paying very close attention. If you can’t relate to this video, I don’t think I can relate very well to you. It doesn’t take very long on the web to come across religious content that is incredibly frustrating and depressing. If you need some ‘Religion’ to be upset about, check this out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTSbfs32yCU

OH SILLY RELIGIOUS PEOPLE

New Beginnings

               During my final meeting with the vocations director, I wondered what kind of response I should have to being told that I would not return to school. A whole host of thoughts and emotions flooded me all at once. I was angry, sad, overjoyed, relieved, and aggravated all at once. Being who I am, I tried to put these emotions into words, but completely failed.

               My thoughts were as difficult to describe as my emotions. They were seemingly random, unimportant, but rational. First, I realized that I would not get to eat at my favorite restaurant for a very long time, and I had personally told the owner that I would be back. I realized that I would have to make a trip up to conception to collect my things, and perhaps at that time I could get to Simply Siam. If I was lucky, perhaps I could score a dinner at a Brazilian steakhouse. At this point, I realized that I had not eaten all day, and should really stop thinking about food.

               My next thought was that I didn’t know what I would do with my blog. I figure people may want to read the ramblings of a seminarian, but would easily gloss over another young Catholic blog. I have no central topic. My views are not always spiritual; they are not always funny. My thoughts, like in my last meeting are completely random.

               Yet, as random as all my thoughts are, I think that they all stem from a valid hunger. I know that other people share my sentiments and hunger as well. As random as my thoughts are, I hope my readers can appreciate them.

Desire-less

               It is interesting getting out of the seminary because I do not know what to do with myself. I have been a student for as long as I remember. With the suddenness of this situation, I found myself unable to get into another school for the spring semester.
               I do not know what I want out of life. Becoming a seminarian required that I relinquished many of my desires. For example, a priest is told where to live, his pay is set, and he can’t have a wife. It was my experience that growing up, one should desire a nice home, a good paying job, and a loving family. It isn’t that seminary knocked these desires out of me, but I ceased cultivating them. I stopped daydreaming about the future and what I would like from it.

               I have an idealic notion that one should have a gnawing hunger for life. This is not only a hunger for the future, but also for the present. I wonder how such a hunger comes about. I wonder what kind of growth passion comes from, and is such a thing immediate or slow growing? Are such passions natural? Must they be cultivated, tended, or kept in check?

               Not only do I not have a great ‘life passion’, but I seem to lack ordinary wants. It seems that I can walk all the isles of all the stores and not find anything that I really want. I wonder how people generate desires to go to certain colleges, other countries, or specific jobs. I seem content to drift through life until I find something that I enjoy.

               I believe my ‘desire-less’ state is quite a natural result of my peculiar position in life. I would be worried if the second I got out of seminary I had a great desire to move to France and attend culinary school –or something of the sort-.

               I would not mention any of this, except that I think that a great number of other people are equally lost. In the end, I find that my lack of desires boils down to one desire: to have a great desire. It is rather ironic, but I think it is a wonderful place to start. 

Worst Part of Getting Old

               My grandfather suffers from dementia. I don’t know if suffers is the correct term though. Sometimes I think that he is much better off not knowing reality. There is a lot that could be said about that, but I will save that for another time.

               Although, not altogether in his right mind, he maintains a hold upon rational thought and sense faculties, and this makes it possible to hold pretty coherent conversation with him. One day I asked him what the worst part of getting old was. His answer made a profound impact on me.

               He said the one thing he didn’t mind was getting up each day and seeing that your spouse was another day older. He said that age was a thing that snuck up on you. One day you are 60. The next day you are 65. He said that he forgets how old he is. He thinks he can do things that he can’t anymore. The worst thing was not that he didn’t know where he was, who he was with, or that he couldn’t remember things. My grandfather said that the worst part of getting old for him was losing his coordination.

               It is a lack of ability that is so troubling. I realized that I value being able to do things. I think society values ‘doing’ much more than it should. The very old and very young are liabilities. They are useless wastes of resources because they can’t do much of anything.

               There more and more I talk with my grandpa, the more I realize that this is utterly false. His personhood is not tied to what he can and cannot do. By extension, my value does not come from what I achieve. I can be loved for no other reason than because I exist. I do not need a ‘reason’ to love other people. I hold people in high regard because they are intelligent, beautiful, rich, or talented.

               Yet sometimes I realize that none of this matters in the least bit.

All the Single Ladies...

               My 6 year old niece recently shared with me that she had obtained a boyfriend. As an uncle, I find this incredibly irritating. It saddens me that society thinks if we are single, we are missing out. Being a seminarian made me realize that the single life, far from being lonely, was incredibly rewarding in its own peculiar way.

               Now that I am out of priestly formation, there is nothing keeping me from dating. Seminary made me realize that, at present, I do not want or need a girlfriend. What I really want are simply good friends. St. Paul’s exhortation to remain single in I Corinthians 7 comes to mind.

               There is a question in the Church of whether or not the single life is a valid life-long vocation. It is a great question, and one that I am not sure of the answer of. The vast majority of us expect to someday get married and settle down. My main point is that, although this may be the case, we don’t need to feel like we are missing out.

               I think that many of us desperately need to realize that life is going on right now. Regardless of circumstance, God is working. Although someday I may be meant to be a priest, or a spouse, I know that right now, I am just supposed to be me. I do not need to strive to become that future spouse, I need to strive to be the present me…. And that is a wonderfully liberating thought.

Past due

               This is a post that was written well over a month ago, and although it came from a different context, I think it is still applicable.

               I never felt I was called to the priesthood specifically. I know that I am called to some sort of ministry and, and the priesthood may be that ministry. Above all else, I discerned a call to the seminary. It was a call to grow, to discern, to climb out of love, and to fall back in love.

               I have long held this call to be a blessing. If God called me directly to the priesthood, I would freak out and reject him altogether. My call is a great reminder that God meets us where we are and not where we should be.

               I recently had a revelation. For a while, I have known that I dislike seminary formation. Many seminarians can endure such formation in order to obtain the prize of ordination. Somehow we think that being a priest will make our lives enjoyable. Since I do not know if I want to be a priest, and I do not have some great burning positive desire for ordination, I am in a pickle. Basically it reduces down to one simple fact: I dislike my vocation.

               This would cause me great distress,-and often does- except I have great hope for the future. I am learning and growing. I think I am like a child who is learning to eat solid food. I can’t enjoy it at first, but will learn to relish it infinitely more than what I had before. I take life with a dose of hope: Someday I will like it. I look forward to that day.

The End?

               To be short, -which I am- I must say that I am no longer a seminarian. If I want to sound important or be otherwise tactful, I would say that ‘At this time, the decision has been made to discontinue priestly formation’. Of course, this does not mean that I may never return to the seminary.

               Conception Seminary and the Archdiocese of Oklahoma city relieved me of having to make this decision on my own. Part of being a seminarian is doing what the authorities of the church tell you. I fully ascent to this course of action, and do not resent it in any way.

               My immediate reaction was shock. I had all my things packed in my car, gas money in my pocket, and had already driven 300 miles. A whole wave of other emotions flooded me: anger, disappointment, sadness, excitement. Above all these was a sense of relief. This relief provided me with the peace that this was God’s will which I had so eagerly been seeking.

               The reasons for me not returning to Seminary are very simple, yet difficult to adequately explain. For quite some time now, I have been struggling with a serious bout of depression. It is no secret that I found seminarian formation to be quite wearisome. The Seminarian formators concluded that a great deal of my depression, if not its entirety, was caused by activities that were integral to priestly formation. As a result, the formators concluded that it would not only be good for my general temperament, but my spirituality if I were to leave the seminary at this time. If it turns out that my depression is not caused by the rigors of discernment and formation, they offered to be of whatever assistance they can be to get me to a place of greater peace.

               The fact that I so abruptly changed the direction of life, both creates and dispels a myriad of problems, emotions, and discussions, but all that will have to wait for later.